8 years. Wow.
8 years ago, I woke up thinking that it would just be another day (well, another Valentine's Day). I woke up with absolutely no plans of publishing my first book. See, I have always been an avid writer, even though some years life had me drawing more or doing poetry more (Yes, I used to write poems lol I was a bit of an emo kid in my teens), but even though I loved writing, I'd come to accept that no one would want to read what I wrote - and certainly not publishers. I wanted to write with mainly gay characters, and I didn't want to write romance or erotica, I wanted to write whatever the hell genre I wanted to write.
That left me having to accept that I would never be published nor would I ever have an audience who wanted to read what I wanted to write. I had to accept that if I wanted to be a professional writer, I'd have to basically sell out. It was a sad thing to realize and accept, and seemed so unfair, but also like a sadistic joke the universe was playing on me. I loved writing, but I loved writing things no one wanted to read.
But since my head was so full of ideas, not writing wasn't an option once the inspiration hit. So, I wrote Fallocaust for me, I wrote Breaking Jade for me, and I was writing The Ghost and the Darkness for me. And I decided that somewhere along the line, I'd finish The Gods' Games and make that my safe 'sell out' book that would have asexual characters, no swearing, like a safe YA sort of thing.
So, 8 years ago, I woke up with absolutely no plans of publishing my first book.
See, even though I knew no one wanted to read what I had written, every 6 months or so, I'd ask myself "What's the point? Why am I doing this?" and I specifically remember looking at Breaking Jade's word document after I'd finished it "Breaking Jade MASTER" (because it's the master file lol but that does suit it) and just feeling so sad that I'd just finished something I was so proud of, yet no one would ever see it. But after thinking this, I'd also ask myself "Like how would I even do it?" and I'd google how to self-publish a book.
What I was met with, wasn't how to self-publish, but articles telling me why I shouldn't bother. I remember one article saying how there's millions of self published books out there and 99% of them are shit. How they're full of typos, bad formatting, flat characters, shit writing, and that the market is so saturated, that if you self-publish and sell a single book, you're in the top 10% of earners. That's how little of a chance you have of making it as a self-published author.
So, I'd realize that not only did no one want to read my books, but even if I did have something, it would get lost in the sea of endless self-published books anyway. This would make me click off, give up, and move on. Well, keep writing and move on.
But 8 years ago, even though I woke up with absolutely no plans of publishing my first book, when I once again googled "How to self-publish", something else showed up. Instead of discouraging articles, Amazon's self-publish program had pushed itself up the rankings.
I forget if I even knew that Amazon did their own self-publishing, I think I thought that maybe you had to go through some other program, company, or something? Either way, I got curious and ended up in the KDP part of Amazon's website.
I linked my amazon account and found the link to submit a book.
The page opened. Oh, I can enter the title and author name and all that? Alright. So I sat back and thought "Hm what should I upload?" The Gods' Games was still in its old version state and needed a lot of work, Breaking Jade was a companion book to Fallocaust and... Jesus, Fallocaust? That's a complete book... Oh and I have that cover I made a few months back. Huh, alright. I'll upload it and once I get to the page where they want me to pay money, I'll click off.
So I entered in the title, my author name, thought up a quick blurb, then the next page I uploaded this random cover I'd made on a whim, and finally, the manuscript. Then, I priced it at .99 cents and enrolled into their Kindle Unlimited program so I could take advantage of a perk that lets you list it for free for three days.
And like what the hell, they still weren't trying to charge me money to list this? Or direct me to some website where I need to get the book approved or something? I was sure it had to be more complicated than this.
But it wasn't... on the last page, I saw the 'Submit' button, and I clicked it.
I remember it so clearly. "I just published Fallocaust" I said to my best friend Jay. "What? Like, right now?" he said back.
Yep, right now!
Then I made a post in a small little subreddit for gay gamers, and got some very awesome people wanting to read it. I remember when I saw that 0 turn to a 1. One sale! I was so excited. I sold a book!!
There was no advertising after that, just that reddit post, but something weird happened. I kept selling books, and once it was listed for free, I had 100 people download Fallocaust. Then, I started getting reviews on goodreads, reviews on Amazon. I was told by every butthurt failed author who wrote an article that I wouldn't get any sales, no reviews, no nothing, but from practically no advertising, I was suddenly getting sales and all this activity. I was getting good reviews too! Good ratings! The book that I thought no one would want to read, was being read. The genre I thought was nonexistent, actually existed. I wasn't alone with this passion, with this want to show people that gay characters could just be characters, that gay wasn't a personality trait. And not just that, the dark and fucked up stuff too that I would've never been able to write if I thought anyone would see it... people liked that! I could write my gay boys, and also, just write what I wanted to write, no matter how dark, sexualized, transgressive, or just plain fucked up.
I was floored, humbled, excited, but most of all, hopeful... hopeful that... I might not have to sacrifice or sell out in order to become a professional author, that I could write what I wanted to write, even The Gods' Games which I was sure would have to be my 'normal' book. I no longer had to use that as my sell out book and could explore my own imagination by asking myself "If you could write the Gods' Games without restraint, how would it look?"
8 years ago, I published Fallocaust, and in the oncoming days after, I learned that my dream wasn't dead and that I wasn't alone. How much that meant to me, I can't put into words. It was life changing, absolutely life changing. I can split my life into two parts, before I published Fallocaust and after.
When I say you all helped me achieve my dream, I'm not saying that lightly or flippantly. You guys did. Before Fallocaust, my long term goals were to just make enough money for rent, to keep my head above water for one more month, and after that? I don't know. I didn't even humour being able to write professionally, I thought it would always remain a hobby that I did by myself, with my books remaining in the shadows - my dirty secrets that contained parts of my soul, from fantasies to past traumas, to dark desires, dead friends I wanted to write about so I could still talk to them one last time, and many other amalgamations that combined to make the person I am.
Fallocaust changed my life and still continues to change my life. I am now living the dream my younger self had of me, of being able to write all day with a house full of cats and endless internet (literally that was all kid me wanted out of my adult life lol). I have made lifelong friends through Fallocaust too, have learned a bunch of new skills, and have been able to process a lot of bad shit that has happened in my life through my writing.
8 years ago, I woke up with absolutely no intention of publishing my first book, but that whim ended up being the best decision of my life. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't clicked that Submit button, but I do know I wouldn't be nearly as happy, fulfilled, nor would I be surrounded by so many amazing people.
So, Im raising a glass to Fallocaust Book 1 today (And I'm declaring Feb 14th and 15th Fallocaust's anniversary because even though it was submitted on the 14th, it wasn't approved until the 15th. So fuck it, two day celebration!). Thank you Fallocaust for changing my life, thank you Rob Zombie for the song Super Beast, which gave me the first mental images of the Fallocaust world, thank you to Claude, Jay, Jon, and Ashkan for being my cheering squad as I wrote. Thank you to the ever-hungry beast Amazon for giving me the platform to publish my book, you'll one day consume us all but until then, thanks for paying my rent.
And thank you especially to my early readers, my 2014 gang who took a chance on my book and who have watched me grow as an author.
Here is to 8 more years, then 8 more, then 8 more, and 8 more. I am not going anywhere. I wasn't being dramatic when I said being an author was my dream. It is my calling, literally all I want to be in my professional life. I am going to write until I can't write anymore. And as someone with the opposite of writer's block, I won't be hurting for ideas either.
As long as you guys want to read it, I'll bring it.
I love you all!
